Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
