I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
