We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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