You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize