Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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