You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
