you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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