Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
