I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
