I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
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