My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
