And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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