Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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