what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
