I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
