Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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