I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
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