i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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