I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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