I wish my penis had an off switch
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
