....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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