dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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