i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
