dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
