Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
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