so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
