She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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