I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize