Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
