The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
