I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
me + whiskey = a bad person
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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