The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
