I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
