I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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