Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
i drank out of a bidet.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Randomize
