I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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