Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Too much gin, very little bucket
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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