"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
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