Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
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