She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Randomize
