Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
