Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
