I think i sorta joined a cult last night
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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