Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
