she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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