Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
