I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
This house was built for laser tag.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
