Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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