at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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