she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
