i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
