This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
My ATM looks so different sober.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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