the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
