Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Mom said you looked used
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
