Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
