i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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