Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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