He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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