I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
