are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
