At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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