I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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