When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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