Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
